Gosh, so much had happened over the last few days. I had been up to my neck at work. And very very stressed out, coordinating three balls and opening parties, doing invites, travel arrangements for M, travel and meeting itineraries and daily drivel on top of that.
I was feeling strangely fatigued on Monday and Tuesday and my concentration slipped. Made numerous stupid mistakes at work and normally, M would have hit the ceiling. He had also been very stressed and overloaded, what with all the brand people checking in with him and etc etc. I thought I would be sad if he really did scold me one day, but I found that I felt much worse, when he praised me for being a great PA but told me gently I had to be less careless and check my work carefully. The perfectionist in me felt angry with myself. And I didn’t understand why I was feeling so tired in the first place. And no, it was not any “extra-curriculum” with Mr Big.
I think I now understand the agony and pain of stupid people. Imagine being unable to help it but to under-perform everyday of your life. That’s so sad.
Anyway I managed to snap out of the fatigue and stupidity. Thankfully. So it’s back to pats on my shoulder and “thank you, my dear”s. Phew.
But, B told me something that really really rankled me.
She said that she was confirmed by her boss IN HER FIFTH WEEK.
I’ve been with the company for two months and my boss has yet to confirm me. Yes, granted that my probation is three months (but then, so is B’s) and that my boss never had the precedence of doing things out of the book in terms of corporate procedures, it still bothered me. Is it the competitive streak in me? A touch of insecurity? The type A personality? I don’t know. I also know that I was rather pissed by her conveniently “leaking” the fact into the conversation. And I knew that she deliberately led the conversation such that she can do this.
“So, this coming 10th, you’d be here for two months right? Your confirmation is next month? Probation three months right?”
And I stupidly conceded, having let down my defenses against her.
“You too right? Yours is also three months right?”
“Oh NO! My boss already confirmed me when I was here for five weeks.”
“………………… oh good for you then. It must mean that you have outperformed his expectations.”
I felt stupid and manipulated.
And to think that I had genuinely felt sorry for her when she told me her troubles.
I think there are just some people in this world who will only feel good if they put others down to achieve the means. B is one of them.
So, I have not been feeling too hot at work this week. Plus the fatigue, plus the crazy workload, plus the nonsense from B, the cocktail is almost lethal.
Add to that, I was late this morning (despite Big giving me a wake up call, I was just so tired!) and M had to call me on my mobile while I am in the cab on the way to work.
“Are you in the office now?”
“Hmm, I am reaching in a while” *mentally braces for his displeasure*
“Call me when you get in, ok?”
And then I dropped my brand new phone, the ultra sleek black Samsung D800 in the cab. When I realized and tried to call my phone, some asshole decided that he or she will keep it and simply refused to pick up my repeated calls, and even switched off the phone.
I hope you burn in hell for your dishonesty and lack of integrity.
I thought I was mean in cursing the dishonest person, but my gay colleague, who had been an absolute darling scream, cursed him/ her in the most colourful and imaginative manner. Hahaha, it did cheer me up a little.
But what really really made me stop being angry with myself, stopped being upset and warmed my heart is that Big went and got me a replacement sim card (secretly) and passed me his K800 with the sim card for me to use in the interim period, before I bought a new phone.
I was so touched by his gesture. And he did not even say anything to berate me for being careless (seeing that the phone was bought using his vouchers). Now thinking back, he had also quietly bought the protective sticker for the phone screen and pasted it on so meticulously during one of our dinners together.
I feel so much worse because he did not say anything at all, only to tell me to be more careful next time.
***
Sometimes I feel very undeserving of Big. Notwithstanding the fact that he is single, available and eligible, (yes, he is one of those nice boys who have good jobs that our mothers love so much) he is also very even tempered (what temper?!) and patient. The most important thing is that he treats the kids well, even though they are not his biologically.
And it does not help matters that some venomous people like to pit stones at me, insinuating about me being divorced, having 2 kids or perhaps some other nasty accusations that I may not even be aware of.
Well, if it makes you (yes, you, the poisonous adder who do not even know me but decide to judge me) feel better, I have had several “talks” with Big, trying to highlight the negativities about me. It’s not morbid and self destructing. It’s being pragmatic and taking a measure of “short term pain versus long term pain”. How many times I have told him that he deserves better? That I am too nasty tempered for him, that he deserves a single girl with no children, commitments, how he would regret having a “ready made family”, how unfair it is to him.
Sometimes I really feel that it is very unfair to him.
But everytime I bring this up, he will win me over with his patient reasoning, analysis and reassurance. He will say to let time prove his tenacity and sincerity. And that it is not fair for me to be the sole decision maker in trying to “decide for him” He will decide for himself and he has decided.
Sometimes I wonder what I have done to deserve Big.
He is the man, who will think of what I would like, when he is not with me. He remembered that I liked a doll figurine with hooks that organizes jewellery, and he bought that for me when he was in Malaysia attending his cousin’s wedding.
He remembered that Germaine likes gameboy games, and he made it a point to buy them for her in Bangkok.
He knows that making my children happy will in turn, make me happy, and so he simply does. He knows that my children mean the world to me, and so he tries to bond with them and win their affection. And now, they simply adore him.
He spends his weekends with me, goes to Ikea and Giant with me, braving the crazy Singaporean crowd, doing the “boring family routine” despite being single and free to go party and drink himself silly.
There are so many incidents, so many. It’s not even about the diamonds, the flowers, the presents, whatever, but that he indulges me, just because.
I don’t know what did I do to deserve him, but I thank the One who sayangs me apparently, to give me someone who not only takes care of me, but also think I am the (not rotten) apple of his eye.
Thank you.
look. I 