Just.

While I generally don’t like people taking my pictures, I have to confess that I love love love these pictures taken by my daughters. All artistic directions courtesy of my girls

Taken by Geanyne

Taken by Germaine

Although I had put on 25kg after the first pregnancy (weight that clung on to me like an ah lian clinging on to her ah beng), my weight had been somewhat constant over the last 10 years. I am at peace with myself, my body and size, though there are days where I feel impossibly fat.

It also helps that I totally see through my own bullshit – so get along with the delusions, excuses and self pity. I am big (and a greasy size 16), so what?

So don’t let the people out there tell you size 0 and not 10 is the way to go. You decide for yourself. Moreover, grooming and style makes for an attractive woman, not the label on the clothing. And that ex fatty who lost some weight and deem it fit to mock other fatties now?

I feel sad for her because it takes a certain amount of ugliness to put other people down.

And between you and me, slim camwhoring bloggers are a dime a dozen but a Queen Latifah size camwhoring blogger.. now that’s rare.

So yes, I am fat and happy. Shoot me.

Stall in Bukit Merah Central Hawker Centre

Quite worthwhile for $2. Taste: 7/10

So my girl came in third for her category in the triathlon. She was a little peeved at losing out to boys – the first and second positions went to older boys. I was a little surprised that they did not segregate the sexes (this girls vs boys thing is so stale) but my guess is that they wanted to just make it a fun event rather than a competitive one.

The ‘prize’  is self explanatory too. No trophy or ribbons like in a competitive event, but a ‘winner’ sticker pasted on a huge tin of Milo.

Me, I am just glad she had fun.

You know Jason Hahn who writes in 8 days about his house-sharing adventures with Saffy and Amanda? He blogs too. He’s one of the very few writers who has the ability to make me laugh out loud. The other few are Colin Goh, Mr Brown before he lost all that weight and Dooce.

Though I’ve always wondered about the authenticity of Saffy the Bust, Amanda the Gucci-ed lawyer, Barney Chen the gay, Karl the sad friend and Martha the dreadful harpy.

You mean to say these people don’t object to being immortalized for posterity in black and white? Either Jason Hahn has a wonderful hell of an imagination or his friends are extreme good sports.

Either way, it is cool.

Where is my Singapore

Where is my Singapore
The one where our heritage is not trampled
by bureaucratic boots
The one where our culture is not manipulated
by political engineering
The one where we are not told
what our Mother Tongue is

Where is my Singapore
Cold new cement structures
in place of familiar landmarks
Gay world, 7 storey hotel, Van Kleef aquarium, Singapore National Theatre
What are these
our children ask

Where is my Singapore
A fig of imagination
or distant memory?
Plans to banish old buildings and old folks
hatched and birthed
In place, a spanking new Singapore.

Where is my Singapore
Where racial harmony is not racial tolerance
Where our mouths are not sealed
with sedition gags
Where we recognize that tolerance is
but failure in understanding

Where is my Singapore
Where there is no room
for pork barrel politics
Where proper discourse exists
without character assassination
Where welfare is not a dirty word

Where is my Singapore
Pieces of a broken whole.

I find it ludicrous that we are being told what our Mother Tongue is. As far as I am concerned, my Mother Tongue is Cantonese.

It would be stupid ignorant of Mr Chee Hong Tat (or anyone else for that matter) to assume that the learning of dialects will automatically be at the expense of our mastery of English and Mandarin. For all the government’s monetary efforts (S$8 million, anyone?) to ‘preserve our heritage’, a move to eradicate our ancestors’ language, culture and customs is painfully contradictory. Gievn the fondness for degree holders and scholars in the government ministries, the lack of understanding and respect for the Chinese culture, heritage and linguistic history is rather unforgivable.

It’s crystal clear that we have been screwed over for political and economic manipulation. So frankly, they should stop screwing with our heritage and do what they do best – losing a couple more billions in portfolios.

And. I am still awed by how a senior civil servant could find no better word than ‘stupid‘ to articulate his arguments.

Foolish to advocate the learning of dialects

I REFER to yesterday’s article by Ms Jalelah Abu Baker (‘One generation – that’s all it takes ‘for a language to die”). It mentioned a quote from Dr Ng Bee Chin, acting head of Nanyang Technological University’s (NTU) Division of Linguistics and Multilingual Studies: ‘Although Singaporeans are still multilingual, 40 years ago, we were even more multilingual. Young children are not speaking some of these languages at all any more.’

To keep a language alive, it has to be used regularly. Using one language more frequently means less time for other languages. Hence, the more languages a person learns, the greater the difficulties of retaining them at a high level of fluency.

There are linguistically gifted individuals who can handle multiple languages, but Singapore’s experience over 50 years of implementing the bilingual education policy has shown that most people find it extremely difficult to cope with two languages when they are as diverse as English and Mandarin.

This is why we have discouraged the use of dialects. It interferes with the learning of Mandarin and English. Singaporeans have to master English. It is our common working language and the language which connects us with the world.

We also emphasised the learning of Mandarin, to make it the mother tongue for all Chinese Singaporeans, regardless of their dialect groups. This is the common language of the 1.3 billion people in China. To engage China, overseas Chinese and foreigners are learning Mandarin and not the dialects of the different Chinese provinces.

We have achieved progress with our bilingual education in the past few decades. Many Singaporeans are now fluent in both English and Mandarin. It would be stupid for any Singapore agency or NTU to advocate the learning of dialects, which must be at the expense of English and Mandarin.

That was the reason the Government stopped all dialect programmes on radio and television after 1979. Not to give conflicting signals, then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew also stopped making speeches in Hokkien, which he had become fluent in after frequent use since 1961.

Chee Hong Tat
Principal Private Secretary
to the Minister Mentor

The other day when we were headed to Ikea, I stalled to check if I remembered to bring the children’s Smaland passports to collect them stickers.

Aiyoh, so aunty, can or not.

Indeed, if you had told the uber cool me ten years ago who thought it was so unglamorous to even have to queue to get into a club (I expected to be signed in) that I would one day collect point stickers for my children, I would have laughed querulously in your face.

Then I would have baulked at leaving the partying behind to have kids.

Now, I would baulk at the thought of leaving the kids behind to go partying.

How things have changed.

This article was published in Today’s Motherhood March 2009.

As a mother who had killed and then jump-started the resume twice for both my kids, I have the privilege of having experienced both worlds – the seemingly repelling arenas of the stay at home mums (SAHM) and full time working mums (FTWM).

Having a common denominator of motherhood, you would have thought that we would all have grounds for bonding. Instead, an uneasy tension seem to exist between working and stay home mums which inevitably surfaces every now and then during discussions in online and offline conversations.

Why?

Everyone knows that stay home mum who will not hesitate to rub it in every working mum’s face that she virtuously takes care of her child all day and that working mum who flaunts her career and ‘proper use of education‘ to the stay home mum. I am taking the extreme spectrum of negatives here of course, but these differences are very real.

Indeed, which mum will relish the feeling of doubting if she has done enough for her child? Which mum likes to feel that her child is being shortchanged in one way or the other?

Not everyone has that luxury

I once spoke to a stay mum who said,

“If you give birth to them, you have to take care of them yourself.”

I agree with this to an extent but I was still nonplussed by her tunnel vision. Allow me to explain. I took eighteen months off for each of my children to take care of them from the time they were newborns. Why eighteen months? That was the ‘minimum age’ where they get accepted to child care centres. I did understand where she was coming from – I too did not want my ex’s parents, a babysitter or a domestic helper to take care of them then.

However, I did not see it fit to take the higher moral ground because

• Not everyone has the luxury to take eighteen months off to take care of their children.
• Some have good help and support from their family so there is no pressure for them to stop working.
• I personally know children who have been taken care of by their grandparents, a babysitter or a domestic helper and guess what? While there are the usual naughty and spoilt ones, there are also some happy and well adjusted children.

Perhaps she was undiplomatic or tactless. But definitely she’s not the only one. Everywhere I turn, in forums, in conversations, be it the formula versus breastfeeding debate, the working versus stay home mums debate, the attack of the momzillas – I see the “I’m right, you’re wrong” syndrome.

Individual choices

While some mothers may choose to stay at home and take care of their children, others choose to or have to work, and send their children to child care centres for different reasons – be it for the socializing with other children, or the necessity for a dual income household.

While I find it extremely condescending and narrow minded for a working mum to demean the economics of  ‘a wasted education’ on the part of the stay home mum (in fact, I find that it is put to good use in the daily nurturing and educating  of her child), I also find it extremely condescending and narrow minded for the stay home mum to question the quality time a working mum spends with her child and to proclaim that poor children of working mums suffer from neglect or self esteem problems.

I was working full time for the last 9 years (excluding the 3 years as a SAHM) and what do you know – they turned out  to be happy and well behaved children and even my friends who normally do not like children have nothing by praise for them.

Who is to say that the cake baked by the stay home mum automatically scores more points than the cake bought at the store by the working mum who might have rushed to the store from work and then back home to celebrate with her child?

Who is to say that the working mother’s children are a neglected lot?

The last thing any mother needs is to be made to feel guilty or inadequate.

Other Side of the Fence

One major gripe from stay home mums is that some working mums seem to think that it is a ‘taitai’ lifestyle for them – that they not only have the luxury to spend lots of quality time with their children, they also have the freedom to go for high tea, the gym, shopping etc. That might  be true for some SAHMs who also have domestic help, but in reality, many are wonder women who take on the role of housekeeper, disciplinarian, teacher, cook and driver, and sometimes more.

SAHMs might envy the FTWMs because the latter seemingly have a glamourous life away from the endless 24/7 drudgery of housework, kids, housework, cooking, housework, kids routine plus the luxury of having a bigger budget for  shopping and whathaveyous.

Well, some working mums I know do house chores on top of their daily 8 hours away to work. When I was working full time, I too did the house chores and cooked dinner for the children. And no, I did not have a maid due to my personal preference for privacy. And yes, it was tough with a capital T.

And yes I did that, but I wouldn’t condemn the other working mums who didn’t, or the stay home mums who didn’t have to work.

The fact is, it is never easy for a mum, regardless of whether she works or not. The problem is that some mums seem to have an opinion about how other mothers should be parenting their children, dissing the ‘other village of thought’ or taking an assumed ‘moral high ground’ about how the children of these other mothers will be so deprived or missing out on something etc.

On the other end of the scale, I have known some very questionable mothers in my lifetime and guess what? Their children seem to have grown up just fine. Children are so beautiful that way – we parents can screw up at times but still, they forge forward with their own personality, adventures and explorations.

At the end of the day

• Perhaps the first thing to do is to realize that it is none of your business. That’s right. That’s her child, her family, her parenting methods to bother about, not yours. Similarly, That’s my child, my family, my parenting methods to bother about, not yours. If you are a mother, you have lots on your plate already. I know that myself.

• Understanding versus assumption. It is easy to get all edgy and defensive if you assume that your parenting methods are being questioned or judged. Get to know the difficulties of the other camp to open your hearts in accepting that every family has different circumstances and situations.

• Banish the guilt. No mother should be made to feel guilty. You have the right to work, whether you need to financially or simply want to have a career. If a SAHM tries to tell you what to do, tell her to take a hike with her pram. Similarly, if a FTWM tries to pull a you-have-it-so-easy on you, mention the simple fact that your job is 24/7 and there are no ‘off days’.

• Make your decision.. then stand by it. As long as we know that we are doing the best we can for our family, anyone else’s opinion, diatribe or verbal diarrhoea does not matter.

• Don’t let another mum’s ‘issues’ affect you. That mum might behave in that judgmental and holier than thou manner because she has self esteem or security issues, or  because she envies what you have that she doesn’t. To validy her own importance and existence, she feels the need to trample on yours. Don’t stoop to her level. You know better.  You will always be the centre of your children’s universe and no one can ever take it away from you, no matter how hard they try.

A recent PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) meeting got us discussing about my elder daughter Germaine’s ‘outspoken personality’. Apparently the teacher was concerned that her tendency to be frank might hurt her friends’ feelings.

Herein lies the delicate balance between honesty and diplomacy.

Do you tell your friend that she has B.O for her own good or do you hold your peace (and your breath) for fear of hurting her feelings?

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do‘?

I have no hard and fast answers but here’s what I tell the kids.

1. Honesty does not mean you can lash out at your friends and expect to get away with it.
2. Diplomacy does not mean telling a lie without blinking.
3. What is the objective and purpose?
4. Can you handle the consequences?

Honesty

It is not rocket science but it might be a lack of emotional quotient that makes some people not realize that ‘honesty’ is not an excuse for a no-holds barred verbal abuse or attack. It is not only what you say, but how you say it. I have met some people who persist in using ‘honesty’ as a shield for their disagreeable and questionable behaviour. It almost gives ‘honesty’ a bad name.

Diplomacy

To borrow from my earlier example:

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do’?

I don’t believe in blind support or blatant lying through your teeth because ‘that’s what friends do’. In fact, I believe that real friends should be able to tell each other the ugly truth but respecting each other’s feelings is still a matter of common sense. But like I always say, common sense is a commodity that is often not very common.

There is a difference in saying,

“Boy, your work really sucks big time. Forget it.” and,

“I think it still needs some improvement and finetuning. Ever thought of taking up some lessons?”

Basically you can say the same thing in two different ways – one that is endearing and the other, repelling.

Objective and Purpose

In wanting or needing to communicate something unpleasant to a friend, I will question the objective and purpose of doing so. Is it for his or her own good to know? Or is it a need to vent your anger which channels in the form of ‘honesty’? Look inside and answer honestly. Then you will know if you ‘need’ to say something.

Consequences

Finally, are you able to take the consequences despite of your best intentions? Say, if you tell a friend about her B.O problem out of the pure kindness of your heart and she still gets offended despite your best efforts. What then?

I tell the kids, “If you think that you can handle the worst consequences that can happen, and you still feel the need to say something, then most likely you think it is worth your while.”

Two ways about it – either the motivation to help is too strong, or the motivation to kick some ass is too overwhelming.

Either way, whatever the consequences, deal with it. It makes growing up that much more fun.

And whatever you choose to do, don’t whine about it afterwards.

Without going into false modesty that irks me so, I will simply confess that I am insanely and irrationally proud of my daughter – and rightfully so.

She’s beat 84 other girls to win this championship cup.

If hearts could explode with maternal pride, mine would have done so many times over.

It makes the 25 kg weight gain (which never really went away), the I-wanna-pull-my-hair-out-why-is-this-girl-such-a-mule frustration and the crazy work/ family juggling all worth it.

Oh, and she is taking part in a triathlon this Saturday.

Does my girl rock or does she rock?

The Barcamp Singapore 3 organized by Preetam Rai and team was so spectacularly successful that I stayed the entire day. Very rare for one whose attention span is worse than that of a goldfish.

Taking a peek at the Barcamp Sessions

• Brian Koh live blogged about Coleman Yee’s session on ‘How to bluff your way through Information Architecture’.

• Ivan Chew (Rambling Librarian) gave an excellent and informative session on ‘How to produce and publish your Music Album online, practically free’.

• Cullen Hartley touched on Social Media from the Perspective of an Educator – illuminating and thought provoking stuff. I don’t know why but I can’t embed his slides here. Click on his post to view the slides. In fact, someone should write about social media from a parent’s view too (not me though, I am too lazy).

• Samantha Chan who gave an engagingly interactive session on ‘10 ways (or more) on how social media is changing your life’ to much laughter from the audience. What can I say. The lady’s personality shone through.

• Werewolf – Barcamp game
  

Great icebreaking game which led to much suspicion and laughter (I know, strange combination.) – I wish this had been introduced in the morning instead of the end of the day. Daniel CerVentus did a great job as the moderator.

• Photoshop Tips

Stefano Virgilli gave a very good talk on Photoshop tips but I couldn’t find the slides online.

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Event Summary

All in all, pretty good sessions, easy flow, comfortable ‘messiness’, candid sharing, lunch and tea provided for (typical Singaporean ) and best of all it’s free.

Well, there were one or two sessions that made me go wtf? but as my mum always told me, if you have nothing good to say, don’t say it

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Social Media

• Slide Share – Speakers’ slides
• Flickr – Photos from Barcamp SG 3
• Hashtags #barcampsg3 on Twitter
• Blog reactions on Barcamp SG 3
• Abhishek Kumar
• Chin Yong
• Kevin Lim
• Carlsson Chee
• Shalabh Pandey
• Thanks to Hisham for inviting me!!