Just.

I read some of my earlier entries in the shut down blog and wonder what happened to that person penning the entries. I can’t help but feel that I am quite different now. For one, I would not hesitate to talk a person down in the past but now it’s like whatever, dude.

I also felt appalled at how I used to spend like the last of the big spenders.

And then there is that temper. I’d like to think that I have mellowed with time, but I wonder.

There is probably an enormous amount of anger and rebellion pent up in me because of the unhappiness in the last ten years. It probably dissipated over time, but I think a residual effect remains. I will never forget the one time I lost it and lashed out rather severely at a friend’s betrayal.  I did not like that person I became and that is what scares me. That need to hurt, and badly too.

I am sad to confess that this had not mellowed with time. I feel rather ominously that it is merely lying dormant till the ‘next big thing’. So I take the chicken(?) way of taking steps to pre-empt possible triggers. I distance myself from people from which I can sense potential trouble. I avoid certain situations where I might possible flare up.  In short, I walk away but still wish them all the best. Anger might not be a bad thing in certain situations but frankly, I value the peace and harmony in my life now way too much.

For now, I am the paragon of serenity.

For now, the mental image of me sticking chopsticks up their nose and making them say mama will do.

I kid.

On the note of jest, I share this ad which struck a chord with me.

As I sit here with a mug of steaming hot Milo as I typed baby steps out of my self imposed exile, it struck me how Milo had always offered me comfort, even though I really felt disdain towards Nestlé. Ah well, I guess I am quite a contradictory person. But of course, that is not the point of this entry.

What I really wanted to say is, I got tired of blogging and bloggers.

What is that, you say.  Aren’t you blogging right now.

No.

I am writing out my inner thoughts, not caring of an audience, its existence and its judgement. I am extending an online journal to a faceless stranger. No ads, no stats, no glory, no hits, no identity yet not deliberately anonymous  and honestly, I like it this way. It probably helps that not many know about this place too. The teeming masses (hah!) reading the other blog were starting to get to me.

I am that blogger who resists being a blogger and a wide readership. Like I said, I am quite a contradictory person. (Yes, the poor boyfriend)

Hollering out to an empty void and appreciating the lack of echoes. I guess I got tired of bloggers who blog a certain way to get a certain result but end up losing their inner voice along the way.

My voice will be hollering out noiselessly here.