Just.

While I generally don’t like people taking my pictures, I have to confess that I love love love these pictures taken by my daughters. All artistic directions courtesy of my girls

Taken by Geanyne

Taken by Germaine

Although I had put on 25kg after the first pregnancy (weight that clung on to me like an ah lian clinging on to her ah beng), my weight had been somewhat constant over the last 10 years. I am at peace with myself, my body and size, though there are days where I feel impossibly fat.

It also helps that I totally see through my own bullshit – so get along with the delusions, excuses and self pity. I am big (and a greasy size 16), so what?

So don’t let the people out there tell you size 0 and not 10 is the way to go. You decide for yourself. Moreover, grooming and style makes for an attractive woman, not the label on the clothing. And that ex fatty who lost some weight and deem it fit to mock other fatties now?

I feel sad for her because it takes a certain amount of ugliness to put other people down.

And between you and me, slim camwhoring bloggers are a dime a dozen but a Queen Latifah size camwhoring blogger.. now that’s rare.

So yes, I am fat and happy. Shoot me.

A recent incident got me thinking about things that happened almost two years ago. Looking back from a different and fresh perspective, I realize that I could be very harsh, curt and acerbic at times. When I am provoked, I aimed to hurt with the sharpest words I can garner. Seldom will I stop to put myself in the other person’s shoes or try to empathize with what they were feeling.

Time have passed. People change. I hope I have (for the better).

Being trapped in an abusive marriage and subsequently going through a difficult divorce, the anger and the prickly armour of self protection was sometimes manifested in an overactive and nasty temper. I really have to thank all my friends for embracing me with their friendship and forbearance. For the readers who have followed me from back then, thank you too for your acceptance and support.

Over time, while the temper is existent, I have managed to tame it quite a bit. While I now may not understand the motivation for another’s behaviour or or aggression, or condone certain negative actions, I try to react in a more positive manner.

After all, think about it. No one is completely bad, just as no one is completely good. No matter how arrogant and obnoxious you think that asshat might be, he can be a loyal friend. No matter how shallow or materialistic you think that girl might be, she can be someone’s  filial child. My point is, just because I might dislike something about a person, that does not and should not make him or her totally detestable or ‘gone case’.

In that, I think I am more forgiving and accepting of people these days.

Indeed, in the past if someone had done something that I perceive to be entirely despicable, that person is a pariah in my dictionary and I will whack a no hold barred and lethal backhand to that person. I cringed now when I recalled how bitchy, harsh and no holds barred nasty I could be to people. Now, I attempt (my best) to view it from that person’s perspective and try to understand why he or she had done something like that and if there could be any other factors that had prompted it. I try to react in a calm collected and focused manner.

Believe it or not, it has also helped me to glean much understanding about the other person’s character, strengths and weaknesses when I bother to contemplate like this. Therefore the perception of offense and anger is also lessened in this sense.

I do admit though that it is difficult to not take things personally when it is meant that way. I think I have progressed from being leaping out of my chair and firing off the machine gun – to standing up.. and then slowly sitting back down. I hope to be able to achieve  the state of nirvana one day – that is to not even standing up in the first, but to remain seated, calm and with understanding.

With that, I would like to sincerely apologize to the person(s) that I have (or inadvertently have) hurt your feelings or pride in the past. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Image credit

Rachel.sg has won the World’s Greatest Business Mind!

Madonna has vowed to name her child after me. I was frontpage news on Business weekly and Sunday News. Babara Walters is interviewing me. Morgan Freeman thinks I am ‘warm, beautiful and intelligent’. Catch my movie to be released next year.

I am to be knighted by the Queen of England.

After an exhaustive search spanning thousands of nominees from five continents, the International Collective Council of Excellence has announced this year’s World’s Greatest Business Mind to universal acclaim and fanfare.

The decision was unanimous despite the fact the world-class shortlist comprised such well-known names as Steve Jobs, Warren Buffett, Bruce Wayne, George Soros, and that kid who invented facebook.

Credits to Cobalt Paladin for the good laugh! Have a good weekend ahead, folks.

I did the Colourgenics test two years ago and it seems that things have changed since then. I think it is interesting to see how things have evolved over the years. Why don’t you try it too?

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back… so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold, or wish to achieve, a position of authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.

Conditions are rather confusing at this time. You would like to involved with a particular person or a particular situation but you are holding back. You find it difficult to make a decision.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven’t been taking care of all your physical needs and it’s beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate – someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different – to be individualistic – to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow – to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

Today is the first day of another new year. What happened in 2008 for all of you? In the tradition of reminiscing,

1. We had our first Reunion Dinner with each other’s families.
2. I was headhunted to fill a position in April of last year. 
3. Started a small home-based business. Bearing in mind that I have no prior experience and my only currency is a sense of adventure and being willing to learn.
4. Started my studies as planned, though different major.
5. Slowly recovered from a bad slipped disc. Most people take their health for granted and that episode gave me a little reminder.
6. Experienced some unhappiness when I resigned and learned that I am not only not cut out to be a homemaker, I also strive on the feeling of power and control in job performance, appreciation, earning good money, successful juggling of work and family and most importantly, the overall sense of achievement.
7. Watched my page rank strangely fall from 3 to 2 to now 0.
8. Felt the need for more challenges.
9. Got featured in Vanilla.
10. Launched the new fashion and beauty site.
11. Moved to a new place – where the foliage and serenity got me smitten.
12. The girls started ballet.
13. Enjoyed home cooked food everyday
14. Revisited the boundaries of friendship and moved on after being taught a valuable lesson.
15. Germaine turned 10.
16. I started writing for the Online Citizen.
17. Was the featured blogger on Blog2u.sg.
18. Was interviewed and featured in Straits Times.
19. Withdrew into myself after some family unhappiness.
20. Had a quiet but happy Christmas.

My 10 personal projections for 2009

1. Given the current economic climate, it’s time to minimize debts and to build assets and savings. I am cutting down on my spending and putting aside more money.
2. Retail austerity – I will buy less trendy items especially those cheap pieces I buy on a whim and wear it only once or twice and then give it away. I also don’t need another bag to add to the existing 32 few. Plans to customize the walk in wardrobe have also been shelved. Ikea will do.
3. Cut down on travel plans – am canning the Paris trip (which had been postponed from last year’s planning). Somehow the thought of spending at least five figures on a trip alone seems rather  frivolous. We will only go for regional trips this year – not that I am complaining. I think we are already very blessed.
4. Continue on my learning journey.
5. We are definitely not buying a house this year – prices are still spiraling downwards.
6. Explore the options on my business model – I want to move out of retail and start focusing on wholesaling. I am also exploring social enterprising.
7. To reconsider my career options. I’ve been a personal assistant for the last 12 years and I have no complaints – after all it’s easy for me now and the money is good. But I have been feeling the itch to teach or to write and the main point of consideration is surprise, surprise – money. I am not being materialistic but the truth remains that I find great satisfaction in making (more and more) money and I don’t know if I can stomach the pain of a pay cut. Is it wise in this economic climate? Will I start feeling unhappy and useless? I have to give it a good think-through carefully.
8. To carry on juggling work, business and family in a harmonious manner.
9. I really need to start to learn how to drive – I just need to find a good English speaking instructor.
10. And no, we are not getting married this year (Nadnut, I can heeeear your tsk tsks already)

I think it’s good to do a cap of what happened the year before and to do a projection for the next year so that we know where we are going and how we are getting there. Care to share on your own plans? Do a pingback to me so that I can pop in and take a peek.

And since it’s such a long post already, I leave you with a song, which I thought echoes the spirit of the new year and the promise of a fresh start.

If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there’s only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home,
Boy, my love will get you home.

Did this test which offers a rather interesting insight into your personality. I am a Reliable Realist. So while I might seem cold or stuck up at times,  I am just being my usual reserved self.

It’s quite illuminating – do go try and let me know what’s your type?

**

Reliable Realists are down-to-earth and responsible-minded. They are precise, reserved and demanding. Their most prominent quality is reliability and they will always make every effort to keep any promise given. Reliable Realists are more quiet and serious persons, they do not talk a lot but they are good listeners. They sometimes seem reserved and distant to outsiders although they often have a great deal of wit and esprit. Their strong points are thoroughness, a marked sense of justice, doggedness bordering on pigheadedness and a pragmatic, vigorous and purposeful manner. Reliable Realists do not dither about if something has to be done. They do what is necessary without wasting words.

This personality type not only expects a lot of himself but also of others. Once Reliable Realists have set their mind on something, it is difficult to persuade them otherwise. They do not like to leave anything to chance. Planning means safety to Reliable Realists, as well as order and discipline. They have no problem respecting authorities and hierarchies but do not like to delegate tasks. They are certain that others would not deal with them as conscientiously as they do. In management positions, they are very task-oriented – they make sure that things are well done; however, they do not have a great deal of interest in personal contacts at work.

As a Reliable Realist you belong to the introverted personality types. You don’t appreciate too much commotion around you preferring to work relatively independently of others. You need to give yourself plenty of time to work in peace and deal with your projects thoroughly and intensely. Your ability to concentrate is exceptionally high and if you are interested in something you can truly immerse yourself forgetting everything around you. Very strongly team-oriented professional fields, or employment where your concentration is continuously disturbed, or your work is disrupted, are not really for you. It is just too important to you to complete your projects really well.

One or two colleagues who are on your wavelength or possibly a small group of like-minded colleagues are the most you need. Too many people are stressful to you because the emotionality and irrationality that comes with interpersonal relationships tends to disturb you. You are reserved when revealing yourself, and often have the effect of being aloof.

Sometimes, and although it may not be your intention, you even convey the impression of being dismissive to the people around you. The continuous locker room and water cooler banter enervate you more than anything else. For you, work is work, and you feel that private matters don’t really belong there. When you choose your profession, watch out that you are not made to adjust to and interact with others around the clock.

In relationships too, Reliable Realists are reliability itself. As partners, they are faithful and consistent, well-balanced and sensible. Security and stability are very important to them. They have little time for extravagances and flightiness. Whoever has them as friend or partner can rely on them for a lifetime. However, it takes quite a while for Reliable Realists to enter into a relationship or friendship. They have little need for social contacts; they therefore take great care when choosing partners and friends and limit themselves to a small but exclusive circle which meets their high demands. They tend to show their closeness to people who are important to them by deeds – their partner should rather not expect romantic declarations of love.

You are not characterized in your type description as “reliable” for nothing! It describes you as a person as well as a partner. Stability, reliability, fidelity, and security are those traits you expect from your love relationship (and which you contribute to a rich measure). If you have promised something to somebody, your word is your bond, come what may. You are one of the most honest personality types and one of the most predictable ones (in a positive sense!).

With you, one always knows that you mean what you say, and that you will stick with it, regardless what happens. If one can justifiably describe a type as the tower of strength for his/her partner, then it’s you. Intrigues, cunning, sneakiness, or even lack of openness are just as foreign to you in your love relationship as in the rest of your life. Since you are very much aware that your expectations of your partner cannot be met by just anybody, you can procrastinate for quite some time until you decide on someone, and not get involved head over heels with a love relationship even then. For that, you are too careful, and deal with your own feelings – and the ones of others – with too much respect.

You are the most conservative of all types, and feel bound by traditional values and institutions. For you, that also includes marriage and beginning a family. Temporary affairs are not for you, and you don’t know flightiness and inconsistency. You can’t imagine just flirting. In the long run, you would not be happy in a relationship without a commitment. You assume a great responsibility if you engage in a relationship for life and you tend to see yourself as the provider in the relationship. Material security is very important to you, and in order to offer it to your partner and your family, you work hard and often. It is very possible that you are most comfortable in a relationship with the “traditional” role allocation.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, practical, logical, planning, tradition-conscious, organised, persistent, objective, tidy, conscientious, cautious, loyal, peace-loving, sensible, down-to-earth, responsible-minded, reserved, careful, independent, punctual, precise, demanding, ability to concentrate, trustworthy, pedantic, reliable, persevering

So I’m still here. Thanks for the concern about the recent silence. Quite a lot had been going on in my life.

Last week, I was talking to Big’s sister in law and she was telling me to marry Big soon. She also stressed that I should ‘give him a child’ to be ‘fair to him’ but strangely I was not offended at all.

I remember telling Big that I was surprised that I was not affronted by her words. Perhaps it was her forthright frankness which was much less offensive than some other forms of passive aggressiveness or pretentious hypocrisy. On hindsight, I am glad that I felt amused than upset by her refreshing honesty.

She just passed away. She was only 42. Her last words to me was to marry Big soon and to bear him a child. I don’t know how to articulate my feelings when I think about this. It is neither sadness or pressure. I don’t know what it is.

My maternal aunt has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She goes for a full body check up every year and  they found nothing wrong with her last year. This year, they found a cyst that was growing so rapidly it was going to be bigger than her ovary and it is growing inside her ovary. When my mother told me about it, I felt cold fear entwining around my heart, gripping it vise like. It was a surreal, am I really hearing this moment.

My aunt had to undergo surgery to remove her entire womb and starting from next week, go through six cycles of chemotherapy. I am reading up whatever I can about her condition. She is only in her late forties. When I accompanied her just now to remove her stitches, I was hit with an avalanche of emotions which I had to hide with a calm facade in order to be strong for her. I will be going with her to see her oncologist next week. I think the road ahead for her is tough but hopefully, slightly  easier with our support.

Lately I feel very tired. Tired of life’s fragility, people giving me grief about stupid meaningless things, meaningless violence, injustice, petty gossips, hissy fits over nothing – basically I am sick of and fed up with human stupidity and ugliness. I feel the need to retreat into myself and to be a loner again.

Perhaps it is my defence mechanism kicking in, I don’t know.

On a brighter note, I find myself redefining my priorities in life all over again.

Whether it is the new 21 or not, here’s to a brand new sparkling 31 and more good stuff ahead for me.

No idea what’s in store for me – it’s all a hush hush surprise, but I know I will love it just the same.

Time to review the list of goals! And for starters, I find this list quite cute. And yes, I have conquered all them skills, after all I am 31.

Cheers.

Lazy Friday posts will be a weekly pictorial post befitting of well, Lazy Fridays. LOL.

At M’s (Gean’s friend) birthday party

Dancing in the fleet of time

Gean playing with my TCM doctor’s dog

Just chilling out

Gean’s impression of ‘hantu’. Tsk.

Lighter Locks

A reader commented in my previous post -

How come you are not posting about your wonderful Mr Big anymore? I see you have gone political on your readers and I can’t say I like it. What are you trying to prove by suddenly changing your blogging style? Fame? Or to prove you are not a bimbo?

I am disappointed at this sudden 360 degree change of direction where you almost never talk about your own life, kids, Big anymore. Or is there something to hide?

Hope to see you reverting back to your old writing style and topics soon. Politics is just talk unless you can make a real difference. Otherwise, I don’t see why you should be dedicating your blog to something that can and is already being done at TOC website.

Hi reader

As my explanation is going to be rather losor, I thought it warrants a whole new entry of its own.

The direction of my blogging has taken on a socially and politically active angle. This is brought on by a few issues including the recent Olympics medal and the whole financial debacle and I acutely felt the need to write.

The family posts will still be here. Bimbotic adventures are covered here – where I write about fashion, lifestyle and beauty etc. I guess that answers your question about me being a bimbo – and I must admit that I am hopelessly one. Heck I look at numbers and my eyes glaze over. I am definitely more in affinity with price tags and nail polish numbers. LOL.

So, the personal posts are here to stay – along with the other social and political articles. Rather than a total change, I would say it’s an added on component. In that, I am somewhat different from the other mainstream socio-political bloggers out there.

What fame? I feel that there is hardly any ‘fame’ to be spoken of in the socio-political blogging circle. To be candidly honest, a more effective method of being ‘famous’ would be to splash pictures of me posing provocatively in cleavage baring outfits all over my blog or taking the opportunity to flash my curves wherever I can. But you are right in an aspect. I wish that people will stop seeing me as a ‘busty’ woman but as one who can think and write articulately.

As for ‘politics is just talk unless we can make a real difference’, I believe I am making a difference in my own small little ways. For example, I disagree with what is being taught in school about the Olympic medals, that our children are being taught to how to think. I always challenge my elder daughter, Germaine to think for herself and that she should not even take what I tell her for granted.

Take the recent financial saga where so many people did not know where to or who to turn to – Tan Kin Lian took the lead and then we went out there and helped those who need help. People who read my blog – like Lilian and ECL – were also there on the ground to help out. I’d like to think that yes, we did make a small little difference in our small little ways.

And to answer your question of Big, he is still the same wonderful man that he has always been, if not better. I have in my drafts, a post about his cooking, the article about Education and Germaine being in the top 15% of the schools, the article about dehumanization, the one about a birthday party Geanyne went to, along with 30 other drafts that indicate that I have so much to blog about but too little time.

While time is one factor, another reason is because I am happy. At this point, ours is the quiet steady kind of happiness that does not need constant reassurance and validation. Moreover, my frank opinion on constant horn-tooting or validations are merely shows of insecurity and lackof. Also, I find it rather vulgar and distasteful.

I guess I am happy, we are happy, I don’t feel the need to impress anyone and most importantly I don’t have anything to prove.

So, I am happy to report that all’s great and well in my life. But I must thank you for your little wake up call – that I should not be complacent about my happiness

Best wishes

Rachel

**

Note :
I approved the comment because I felt that the commentator was asking some genuine questions, as opposed to some others who had commented here with despicable agendas. Of course, these people have been promptly removed from my sphere. Yes I can tell who is being despicable, catty, malicious or plainly destructive, and who is giving genuine feedback even though both may consist of negative feedback or criticisms.

There is talk elsewhere that I am trying to project a ‘perfect image’ – the person(s) must be blind and stupid to have missed the biting acerbity in my writings. These people (or person) who are still hiding behind the screen and making cheap malicious little potshots – it’s your life, and it’s very sad. I have already moved on with my (very busy and fulfilling) life but there you are, still obsessing about my life and how perfect or imperfect I am. I wish you no ill because you are nothing to me but please live your own life already. Life is so short to go obsess about someone else all the time.

Anyway there is nothing ‘perfect’ about me. If you deliberately try to mess with me, I will tear you a new one.

A good pondering on the perennial question.

Do your art. But don’t wreck your art if it doesn’t lend itself to paying the bills. That would be a tragedy.

(And the twist, because there is always a twist, is that as soon as you focus on your art and leave the money behind, you may just discover that this focus turns out to be the secret of actually breaking through and making money.)

How true.

Lately I’ve been pondering quite a lot about this.

How many actually love what they do?

How many actually do what they love?

Are you earning a lot of money but feeling empty inside?

Are we being slowly but surely dehumanized by this state?

Knowing how senile I am, I am starting a Friday weekly summary to sum up the events of the week – things that make me happy and not so happy.

Happys

1. Relaxation of mind and body
I’ve been swimming about twice a week – leisurely laps to relax the mind and body.

See under the bridge? The narrow “tunnel” reminds me of the first scene from the game Tomb Raider where Lara Croft has to fight a shark underwater to get onshore. Over imaginative mind alert!

It helps that our pool seldom gets very packed like the public pools – even during the weekends. Looking at the girls having fun always put a little smile on my face.

2. Praise and Appreciation

I have been working at my new office for three months now. They have confirmed me earlier and sponsored my studies fully, for this I am very thankful. Today, the office manager had a quarterly review with me to discuss my progress and goals. It pleases me to no end that a) yes, everyone likes me and think I am an asset to the company; b) The general consensus is that I am independent and capable and gets things done not only well, but also fast. This is music on the ears to every PA, and heck, any other person in another field too. Skills and competence are not doubt important, but EQ and people management are essential too. I am pleased that I have managed to strike a healthy balance.

The one little gripe I had was that I always finished my work too fast and would end up surfing or plurking. I would be getting the chance to get to work on company policies too and to draft them from scratch. This is good for my portfolio and also a good learning ground for my business. Oh, golly.

3. The children are golden as usual. Ger is learning ballet! You can pick your jaw up from the ground now. Wait till I post the picture of her in tutu. THAT would be a scream.

And no, I didn’t even suggest for her to take it up – I have long given up on the notion of her being girly-like, and I even pooh poohed the idea when she brought up the suggestion. But she convinced me that yes, this time is for real, and the semester fee will not go down the drain – like the time it did when she refused to go after one lesson at the age of 5.

The term fees are no joke. But like I said before, if I spend on myself in the name of vanity, it is not fair that I stinge on the kids. I don’t care what others may say about me spoiling them but I will let them learn and experience new things that they show interest in – to the best of my ability.

4. Baking

After the first cheesecake where I tried the ready made crust, I was not pleased with the taste of the crust. I made a second one yesterday, using crushed oreos and butter as the base, and tweaked the cheese filling a little. It was good.

I met Cakie for lunch and I passed some to her. She is going to UK to further her studies and I won’t get to see her for some time when she leaves in September. I like her as she has no pretensions about her and is totally sensible, down to earth and not to mention, a very clever girl . I guess I secretly hope that the girls will grow up to be someone like her. Am so glad she liked it!

5. Independence

As always, I am happy and proud that I am independent. I can roar out loud that I am an independent woman who earn her own keeps, spend her own money and am empowered with the knowledge that I am stand on my own two feet without depending on a man.

I am also proud that everywhere I go, with every job that I take on, I perform well and my bosses like me (even until after I leave, they will still help me if I ask). I have a strong resume and reputation. I am proud that a executive search firm headhunted me for this position. I am proud I can do a job well.

6. Plurk – talking to friends after finishing work so quickly

7. Nadnut plugging me!! Go take part in her contest and win a bag sponsored by my shop

Not so Happys

1. Technicalshits

My boss is a very IT and tech saavy person. He can sprout stuff like VPN client and bluewave technology to me – stuff of which I understand as much as I speak Parseltongue. I also dislike tech and IT stuff immensely – for that I am grateful that I have Big, my Minister of all Scary Tech and IT things, to assist me. But it is no joke when your boss is mighty good at it and expects you to understand the Parseltongue he is speaking and assist him in further Parseltongue. This is a constant struggle and an area that my star doesn’t shine quite so bright. Sigh.

2. Shoulder pain

My right shoulder seems to be locking up more often and it is giving me chronic pain throughout the day. I am not sure if it is the typing posture. On the infrastructure end, my office chair is a $2,000 Herman Miller model and I cannot gripe much about that. I am quite sure it’s the pain that makes me a bitch at times. You all know I am peach and roses.

3. Toxic rubbish

It has come to my ears that she has started insulting my family now. There are people who have decided to take sides without listening to both sides of the story. That’s fine with me. You can’t win them all and my heart and conscience is clear. I object though if your purpose of reading my blog comes with malicious intents.

Sidenote: to the people who came and tell me about her antics – I appreciate it but honestly I want nothing to do with this person and even though she clearly does not understand that, I would prefer not to know about the toxic things she is so free to write about. The only worse thing than a vindictive person is a stupid and vindictive person. Clearly time that is supposed to be spent on being a stay home mum is squandered on shopping and writing garbage. I appreciate your care and concern but really, it angers me that there is scum that I have wasted time and genuine friendship on.

As for those people who come here with malicious intentions of carrying tales and fueling discord, it is on your karma. I have no words for you, except, watch it. What goes around comes around.

I wasted some twenty minutes of my life yesterday. I had made the wrong decision of dropping by a toxic “friend’s” blog, which I had not done so for the longest time, reason being that the said blog is mostly updated with constant meaningless whining and negativity. There is a certain limit to the amount of negative energy one can stomach.

To my surprise, her recent few posts are positive to say the least.  But keeping in line with her character, the “positivity” is meant to put others down.

By insisting that no others are as fortunate as you are, and by insisting that others don’t get more love than you have, you not only look sad and desperate for validation – the whole diatribe reeks of narrow mindedness and low self esteem.

In wanting to insult one particular person, you ended insulting everyone you know. What kind of toxic person are you?

One can be very fortunate. One can be very loved. Is there a need to declare that NO ONE is as fortunate as you are and NO ONE is as loved as you are? Stating one’s happiness on the childish insistence of absence in others – ugly and toxic. Says a lot about you as a person.

I pondered for a while on dedicating a whole blog post to point-by-point address the petty accusations thrown forth but in doing so, I would stoop to that kind of low level that I despise so much. The whole post is crass, vulgar and low class – and says pretty much about the writer herself. In fact, there are a few posts dedicated to such venom. And I shall leave it to the readers to see and judge for themselves.

In being ridiculously accused of being envious, I don’t like to be envious or jealous of others, as you have opt confessed to be. I will work towards what I want, unlike the meaningless habit of whining about it. I have the least reason to be envious of you. If the truth be known and at the risk of sounding mean, I have always felt sorry, if not pity, for you. For all your professions of being high class and “atas”, you don’t have what it takes and you won’t work for it. What gives? The result is constant whining and more whining.

For all your professions of being so loved and all, what we all see is still more constant whining and “emo” nonsense and imposing on a hospitalized patient in her room till 5 am in the morning – refusing to let your sick friend rest. Not everything is about you and you still have not learned that.

In everything that I have done for you, you have felt neither appreciation or gratitude. Not that I need these but to be “rewarded” with such venomous ingratitude is not something I would have expected. There are so many other things that you have been toxic about but since we have come to this stage, I see no need to address those issues anymore. You know what you did and I hope you can live with it.

Your problem is that you cannot accept other’s happiness and moving upwards in life. You can’t embrace a friend doing better than you are. Otherwise you will not feel the need to trample so desperately and proclaim yourself top dog. I don’t feel anger. I only feel sadness.

The tone of this post is not positioned in the manner of the “damsel in distress, I am so piteous” angle and neither is it positioned in the aggressive, vulgar and crass manner you are so fond of.

I am matter of factly and very calmly telling you that you are officially out of my life. I will not be dropping by your blog anymore, the msn and gchat have been duly deactivated, I will no longer feel angry or sorry for you and I hope to move forward in my life, just as I hope you will move forward in yours. I feel no malice or grudge towards you in doing so, just that we are two very different people and I no longer wish to keep up appearances.

Perhaps Posh had unknowingly hit the nail on the head when she plurked this earlier on:

“you could have all the love in the world and yet you feel empty inside.”

I am glad that I don’t need to have all the love in the world and I feel very happy and contented with what I have.

The only thing that I am sorry about this whole ugly saga is that I don’t want our mutual friends to feel awkwardness. This is not primary school where I don’t friend her you also cannot friend her kinda nonsense. My friendship with you and your friendship with her are mutually exclusive matters.

Moreover I don’t hate her. I don’t feel anything towards her. I don’t know which is sadder though.

Gean -

I love how she is affectionate and will give me random frequent kisses and hugs.

I love how she will share things with her sister without being told to.

I love how she is not grouchy or cranky, and is still the sweet little girl that she is – even when she is not well.

I love how she snuggles up to me like a baby koala just because she likes the feel and smell of her mummy.

I love how she exclaims, “Mummy you are so pretty!” LOL

Ger -

I love how she squeezes out toothpaste for me every morning before she goes to school.

I love how she tries to be good “even though it is so hard”.

I love how she is independent, streetsmart and spunky.

I love how she is good at ferreting out bullshit in people.

I love how she loves animals and have a kind loving nature. 

My girls -

I love how they are good well mannered children, even though I may not be a full time stay home mum and spend 24/7 of my time with them.

I love how they are healthy and seldom fall ill. I’d like to think that it is because I have breastfed them, but really, it is mostly that we are so blessed.

I love how they are happy and well adjusted – through our divorce, accepting Big as another father figure, leaving our old home etc.

Big -

I love how he brings me to different food places to try (and disagrees vehemently that I am fat)

I love how he tries to surprise me with little things like

this Casio watch cum calculator which I had commented that would be useful on my buying trips (calculate currency).

Never mind that he had already installed the same function on my iphone. Another reason was because it goes so well with my rugged wear of snug tee, denim shorts and backpack ensemble when I go to places like BKK and HCM. In any case, I didn’t buy it because I know I will only wear it on some trips, and certainly not to work as it doesn’t channel my style at all. Of course he goes and buy it secretly to spring a surprise on me.

Just because I like teapots. I love bird and leaf motifs!! And this black/ white combo is so pretty and dainty.

I love how he gives me shoulder and foot rubs before bed.

I love how we can connect on an emotional and intellectual level.

I love how he is a good daddy to the children. Just two nights ago, he woke up in the middle of the night to check on Gean (she was running a fever) and to give her Paracetamol. And he coaches Ger in Maths, which I.absolutely.cannot.

I love how he wakes up earlier than me to make scrambled eggs and wheat and raisin toast for me.  

I love how he does the laundry so that I have time to spread my fats on the couch.

I love how he surprised me with this DVD usb player so that I can watch all the shows he downloaded for me in the comfort of said couch. It’s very cool – just plug the usb in it and it plays like a dream.

 

Techtalk and obviously all foreign language to me. Comes with Karaoke function too!

I love how we complement each other.

Karen had recently been down to Singapore and she ran a very successful charity event raising funds for Singapore Red Cross. As a full time stay home mum, she managed to garner tremendous support in sponsorship, publicity, media coverage, and most importantly, donations to Singapore Red Cross. I have nothing but utmost respect and admiration for this lady. Of course, being the utmost shallow person that I am, it helps that she is very gorgeous.

And thus, I have to say that I am very VERY sorry that I could not make it for both her Doing the Karen Cheng event in Indochine and her birthday drinks at the Fashion Bar.

The truth is, I really wanted to go. I mean, I like the lady and she so very kindly extended the invitation to me, for which I felt very honored.

The truth is, and I am ashamed to admit it, is that I am rather anti social by nature. I don’t enjoy meeting people unless I have known them online and am interested to know them further. The dilemma is, I really wanted to meet Karen, but I really don’t like some of the people on that list, and I would not be able to stomach having to put on a PR front the whole night. Goodness knows I have had enough of that in the past.

I am not atas. It’s just the way I am now. Am happy to wrap myself up in a cocoon of family and a few select friends.

And running a business, especially one that is an online presence, prompts that little voice inside my head to say that I am being an absolute idiot by passing up such a fabulous opportunity to network and smooze.

And hence the conundrum of whoring oneself out for the sake of additional business revenue or being true to one own’s feelings and principles and losing out on the business front?

I was sharing this with Big last night. He is one, I feel, whom I can share my thoughts with unreservedly and who will not judge me in any way. I told him that I felt rather bad at passing up the opportunity to finally meet Karen, and that I felt rather “unshrewd” in a business sense. And of course, that conundrum of self vs business. And he, being the wise Yoda, that he is, offered good advice in a single liner. No, I shall not share the single liner. It’s exclusive.

And Karen, when we troop to Perth, will definitely invite you for dinner and drinks, and of course, to “do the Karen Cheng” with you in person.

And oh, even though I was not there in person, I support you in spirit and in action. I have donated to Red Cross in the capacity of your “Doing the Karen Cheng” event.  

The last week had been crazy. In addition to our daily usual schedule of work and kids, Big had been additionally loaded with a time sensitive project which means – I had to unpack most of the remaining boxes. He still refuses to let me carry any heavy stuff though, and tries to help whenever he can. We also had to coordinate the minor renovation and subsequent rental of the old house. Am going to sell the old house next year anyway, otherwise I will not rent out. I cannot stand the thought of strangers using my furniture and things (yes, another manifestation of my antisocialism )

Since when our schedules have not been crazy anyway? But it’s been really bad lately. Those who have moved will know. The unpacking is horrid and having a nasty OCD complex, I DETESTED seeing any mess of any sort and the boxes stacked around made me break out in mental allergy. I never got to rest last weekend at all. And I did not get to spend any time with the kids (packed them off to their dad’s place, so that I can unpack and pack quickly and without interruption) and so today, am feeling very out of sorts.

It’s as if, I had been working a whole week without proper rest and relaxation.

So much for plans to lounge by the pool in bikini with a nice cold Hoe. *scowl* The positive thing is, NO MORE SHITTY BURNT weekends! ALL the boxes had finally been unpacked. I can finally sit down and plan my walk in properly. This being a rented property, there are existing fixtures that I have to work with and I cannot do much major renovations (kind of pointless).

I have had a few friends asking me why we have chosen to rent and not buy. (yeah, very kpo friends we have. ) The reason is, the property market is very bullish now. It would be a foolish time to enter the market. I envisage that it will go bearish starting next year (but not for HDB properties.. yet) but it would be the best time to get an investment property in 2010. I will also sell my house next year when the prices for HDB will peak. (Disclaimer: This is my own projection after reading and researching)

**

The walk in is still in blueprint stage, but here’s a preview of my dressing chest though.. I think it looks very quaint. And I do adore the man to bits for being so indulgent towards me.

Gift from Big: Anna Sui Earring Stand – I love the slightly goth feel and the romantic feminine swirls.

Also given by Big – which he bought for me on one of his trips back home. Not by my side, but still thinking of me. *sweet*

Anna Sui “dressing table” – also from Big. Corset card holder on top of the Anna Sui “chair”

On the left: Black velvet “couch” to hold rings and bangles

I love the whole Black, pink, white colour story. Very sleek yet pretty.

Yes, it may only be a dressing chest, but I feel so happy whenever I use it. It’s not the item per se. It’s the thoughtfulness, love and affections that go into the whole ensemble.

Thought of the Day: “Always blame yourself when things go wrong and examine if there is something to be learnt”

The supplier is lousy. Should you have done your research and asked around for feedback before using him? And if you had, and everyone else thinks he is good, why was he negative for you? Could it be YOU then?

It is easy to be pointing fingers, blaming the sky, the forces, bad luck, whatever when really, the person who should be in control of the situation should be ONESELF. If something not so good happens, I choose to think it happened for a reason and that I should learn from it and move on. Most importantly, to not make the same mistake again.

And that is why I am quite uncomfortable around people who love to whine or complain all the time. When negative things come out of their mouths all the time, they create negative universal energies for themselves and the people around them. 

I have found that when I pronounce good things, list out your blessings, be grateful for them, positive energy is created. Opportunities come without me having to sought them out with immense efforts.

SO.

Huat ah!!

*giggles* 

Sometimes I can’t begin to articulate how disgusted I am by cattiness, envy or jealousy that I sense in some women. (Yes, women. The men probably go, good for you! And move on.)

For example, they read my post about the ring Big gave me, promptly skim past my joy, happiness and feelings of blessedness, take away everything that is beautiful about the post, and manifest it as ugliness. There are those who question Big about how much he paid for it, is it fake, is it cubic zirconia (oh how my palms itch!) etc. Would it make you feel better if he told you it was whatever you wish it to be?

And what’s the fascination with my or his salary? How so does it affect you how much moolah we are pulling in? He and I can afford our indulgences like my shopping, my walk in wardrobe, his gadgets, our new house, my jewellery, whatever, thank you very much. Whatever I blog about, it’s pretty much what I am comfortable with my general readers knowing. If it is not on my or his blog, please have the courtesy of not querying us about such intimate or personal details. If you are a close friend, you would have known without being such a nosyparker. If you are not, well, you are not.

And if your purpose of knowing is to live up with the Joneses and for the sake of comparison, here’s a few things to note.

We are hardly the Joneses, or the yardstick to measure up to. We are just simple folks with a few select indulgences and pleasures in life. There is no need to match us/ me in everything we do. It freaks me out a little ala Single White Female style.

Why the need to compare or to live beyond your means? If you can afford a certain lifestyle, you can. If you can’t, you can’t. I am just being very pragmatic about these things. Why ask about things that are out of reach and make yourself miserable? And if you are living a lifestyle that you can’t afford, struggling to make ends meet every month, well it’s your choice or no one else’s. And if you are living a lifestyle you can well afford, we are not the kind of folks you should be comparing to.

Some might call it human nature for humans to be envious/ jealous or covetious, I will beg to differ. I don’t bother to be envious or jealous about others’ possession. Simply because if I want something, I work towards it. What the hell is there to be envious/ jealous of? And pardon me if I sound harsh but you are the type to be envious or jealous just because I seemingly shop all the time (I DON’T), seemingly have good things in life all the time (there is something called hard work), you will be forever the envious and jealous one pining after others’ lives and achievements because you are simply too busy indulging in negative time wasting emotions, instead of working your way there.

And then there are those who simply cannot stomach the idea of others being headhunted or getting a better package. If you had felt catty or jealous about anyone reaching a certain milestone in life, you are a loser. That’s right. I am of the belief that people who are jealous of other people’s achievements and waste time continuing being so are losers. But if you had felt spurred on or encouraged by what the person had achieved, then KUDOS and more power to you.

And a bit of common sense here. If it pains you/ embitters you/ fills you with so much ugliness when you read my blog, which is my shrine of happy memories, please stop reading my blog. It makes me hold my hand when I want to blog sometimes, and this kind of nonsense pisses me off.

Really.

I don’t need people like that to feed off my blog and make everything about it that is beautiful, ugly.

So, I reiterate. This is a blog that contains my happy memories, where I make good of things in my life, make lemonade out of lemons that life deals me. In short, it is a HAPPY place. If you find that this blog makes you 1. envious 2. jealous 3. angry (?!) 4. sad (?!!) 5. any other negative emotion, I don’t need to tell you again..

So we packed the kids off to swim/soccer camp. June and December are months where the equivalent amount of a third world country’s GDP is spent on camps, holiday activities and what nots for the children. This June we are not going away on a long holiday… as… we will be moving to a new place.

The.packing.and.moving.is.stressing.me.out.

I don’t know about you, but I hate moving. Sure, I love the moving to a bigger and nicer place part, but I dread the packing, wrapping, labelling, unpacking and sorting. It’s only with the finished unpacking and sorting out, and when everything is neat and organized again, that I breathe easier. Woe is the Type A personality.

Anyway, the new place is all spiffed up and chemically cleaned and all ready for new memories. What I love about the place is that it is a quiet, serene and scenic environment and most importantly, it is very child friendly. Lots of space and paths for the children to ride their bicycles and roller blade, three pools, BBQ pits, basketball court, tennis courts and a clean, cushioned playground. And for the claustrophobic me, there are only four families on each floor and our neighbours seem quiet and peaceful during the few times we went. Happyness is me.

And hmm, no, wedding bells are not ringing; we are happy the way we are now. I am not commitment phobic or anything like that. We have a healthy happy monogamous relationship together, and we don’t need a paper or a ring to seal the deal (I can hear him protesting already ). The real deal is, I am still having issues. Of course it is no fault of his at all, and there is nothing he can do more (already as it is, he is treating me like a Queen and Empress Dowager juxtaposed). But as it already is, I have done the move in together thing. So, a step at a time..

And I am happy. I guess it sounds very corny and disgusting even, but we are soulmates. Like, really. We can talk about anything and everything and most importantly, we agree in terms of values, principles and beliefs. In personality, we are different, but we complement each other in our difference. What is uncanny is that, he always seems to know what I am thinking. One expression, one gesture or one look, he can guess what I am thinking or what I am going to say. It’s quite freaky sometimes.

The parents approve of him too (and if I might say, my mum adores him *rolls eyes*) Even my aunt, who is a tough broad to win over, think he’s the bee’s knees, one of the reasons being that he gave me a very pretty bangle for Mother’s Day which made everyone go awwwww *rolls eyes again*. And everyone seems to think that I “bully” him (FALSE) and that he spoils me rotten (ok, true). I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM A VERY DOCILE WOMAN AND NEVER EVAR BULLY MY MAN. *glares* *smiles sweetly*

And so, since we have already established that I can’t go back to my “niang jia” should we ever have our first quarrel (I think my parents will call him and rat on me), I decided that my only comfort is to

.

.

.

finally have my own walk in wardrobe!!! *happy dance*

.

.

.

Yeah, totally unrelated, but there you go. Now you know why even I think I bully him sometimes I think he spoils me rotten. I think it started when we went for the Sex and the City movie and when Mr Big opened the door to Carrie’s new walk in wardrobe and my hand involuntarily flew to my mouth and my eyes even watered slightly, that he decided that, yes, one room in the new house shall be converted into my new walk in wardrobe.

And so, it sounds really disgusting but I am really happy (I know I’ve said this a thousand times, but I really am!) The children are healthy, well-adjusted and good kids. My own health has improved by leaps and bounds, thanks to a better job, investing in food supplements and dancing (and of course, with Big being a big help). On the job front, it’s not as crazy as before and they are fully sponsoring me for my studies (which means more online shopping I have more liquidity). It is not as stressful as before, and yet the package is much better, and for that I feel very blessed and thankful. I have the financial freedom to do whatever I want, and to give my children whatever I think is good for them. I have fun during the weekends doing bellydance (and if I might quote my coach, am pretty sinuous and graceful at it! ) The shop is also doing very well, and I had even been featured in Vanilla. I am still as fat as ever and I can’t complain or whine about it as I stuff my face merrily as they come.. But I think I don’t look half bad and am proud that I am well groomed and carry myself well. Of course it helps that despite the fat face (and everything else, hah!) the man still thinks I am this Venus or Aphrodite or something. He is, of course deeply prejudiced, but tis a good thing for me.

So really, it’s all good in my life. Of course, it helps that I choose not to think about the small little things that make me angry or upset, and sweep those out of my mind as fast as I can. People or things that are toxic to our lives, or who try to ruin the happiness we work so hard for, I mentally eliminate them swiftly and completely. It is rather ruthless to a certain extent, but hey, life is short you know. And God knows I have been through enough unhappiness and hardship to last me several lifetimes.

So. Make a choice. BE HAPPY.

**

PS: We went to Ikea just now to shop for new furniture, and as usual, we did our ogle and share act. He tells me when he spots a gorgeous or busty babe, and I do so similarly. And of course we giggle a little (ok, I giggled a little) at those whose fashion sense are hmm a little skewed (I am being very kind here). Something along the lines of this. And then we popped over to Anchorpoint where I picked up a superly gorgeous Banana Republic eyelet wrap blouse at freaking S$25 (!!!!!!!) which retail price is S$189 (!!!!!!!) and which size tag reads XS (!!!!!) you can imagine my shallow euphoria. LOL. Don’t get me started about my spoils at Flea.Fly.Flo.Fun on Saturday, shopping from Target, Victoria’s Secret, Silk Naturals, TSS, Lumiere, La Senza ..ok I should really shaddap.. (next post, I promise).

And of course we had to go to the Hong Kong Cafe on the first floor to pig out on sinful comfort food and drinks like Egg Noodles with Luncheon Meat and Fried Egg, Iced Macau Coffee and Iced “Yuan Yang”. I think I laughed a little too much by acting out my “please don’t leave me, I really want to have this baby” act. Yes, we I have sadistic fun by acting out impossibly drama situations and laughing till we tear.

Don’t ask.

And hor, someone was very thick skinned ok.. We applied for the Hong Kong Cafe card which cost $30, and which came with $25 worth of vouchers, 10% discount with every visit, a one for one coupon and a free drink (Hahaha, very auntie right?! LOL) Then this someone went and filled in “married with kids” wor..

Ahem. AHEM.

Don’t know what’s up this week, but it’s just been ridiculous.

On Monday, I scolded a Korean man in the office lift for staring at my chest. It was not a look, not a glance, but a very prolonged STARE. And in case, you are thinking I was proudly showcasing them in some cleavage flaunting top, I was in a button down business shirt buttoned to the collar bone. And that ass had the audacity to smile after I told him off. I think the idiot probably did not understand English (not highly possible, as expatriate Koreans here speak passable English). In any case, I don’t suffer fools or idiots. And too bad I didn’t take any pictures of myself in the shirt I wore. You would agree with me that it is so ridiculous and desperate of this idiot to stare.

On Wednesday, when I walked to Circular Road to meet Big for lunch (yeah, we are that kind of couple, see each other everyday, still not enough, must meet for lunch too. *snigger*), this dude (Chinese, mid 30s or so) stopped me (tapped me actually, cos I was listening to music on my iphone) and asked for freaking directions to dunno what atm. I told him I didn’t know, put back my earphones and walked on. He tagged along and continued talking to me about dunno what where I am going for lunch, why alone and that shit. I pretended I couldn’t hear him due to the music and walked on. Another idiot. I was wearing this:

Picture taken as part of my Doing the Karen Cheng project. Demure white Zara shell and Knit linen shrug (known to induce idiotic pick up lines, apparently)

Today, I am wearing my Nonya kebaya top with Zara inner shell and dark jeans

After coming back from lunch, I saw the same freaking Korean idiot man going into the lift. I ignored him. HE FREAKING SAY HELLO TO ME!!!

See my atas face??!! Which part of my atas face says I am interested?!!!

PTUI PTUI PTUI!!!!!!!!