Just.

A recent PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) meeting got us discussing about my elder daughter Germaine’s ‘outspoken personality’. Apparently the teacher was concerned that her tendency to be frank might hurt her friends’ feelings.

Herein lies the delicate balance between honesty and diplomacy.

Do you tell your friend that she has B.O for her own good or do you hold your peace (and your breath) for fear of hurting her feelings?

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do‘?

I have no hard and fast answers but here’s what I tell the kids.

1. Honesty does not mean you can lash out at your friends and expect to get away with it.
2. Diplomacy does not mean telling a lie without blinking.
3. What is the objective and purpose?
4. Can you handle the consequences?

Honesty

It is not rocket science but it might be a lack of emotional quotient that makes some people not realize that ‘honesty’ is not an excuse for a no-holds barred verbal abuse or attack. It is not only what you say, but how you say it. I have met some people who persist in using ‘honesty’ as a shield for their disagreeable and questionable behaviour. It almost gives ‘honesty’ a bad name.

Diplomacy

To borrow from my earlier example:

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do’?

I don’t believe in blind support or blatant lying through your teeth because ‘that’s what friends do’. In fact, I believe that real friends should be able to tell each other the ugly truth but respecting each other’s feelings is still a matter of common sense. But like I always say, common sense is a commodity that is often not very common.

There is a difference in saying,

“Boy, your work really sucks big time. Forget it.” and,

“I think it still needs some improvement and finetuning. Ever thought of taking up some lessons?”

Basically you can say the same thing in two different ways – one that is endearing and the other, repelling.

Objective and Purpose

In wanting or needing to communicate something unpleasant to a friend, I will question the objective and purpose of doing so. Is it for his or her own good to know? Or is it a need to vent your anger which channels in the form of ‘honesty’? Look inside and answer honestly. Then you will know if you ‘need’ to say something.

Consequences

Finally, are you able to take the consequences despite of your best intentions? Say, if you tell a friend about her B.O problem out of the pure kindness of your heart and she still gets offended despite your best efforts. What then?

I tell the kids, “If you think that you can handle the worst consequences that can happen, and you still feel the need to say something, then most likely you think it is worth your while.”

Two ways about it – either the motivation to help is too strong, or the motivation to kick some ass is too overwhelming.

Either way, whatever the consequences, deal with it. It makes growing up that much more fun.

And whatever you choose to do, don’t whine about it afterwards.

Seth Godin says,

‘If it acts like a duck (all the time), it’s a duck. Doesn’t matter if the duck thinks it’s a dog, it’s still a duck as far as the rest of us are concerned.

Authenticity, for me, is doing what you promise, not “being who you are”.’

Pure coincidence but Seth Godin just blogged about what has been on my mind for the past few weeks.

Individuals who sprout lyrical about transparency, honesty, god-like social media rules, integrity and so forth on their blogs, tell a different story in plurk, msn and twitter.

Respectability requires consistency.

You don’t talk about respect and best practices in social media but call people names in conversations.
You don’t talk about discretion but divulge confidential information discussed in private conversations.
You don’t talk about integrity but ask for confidential information to be shared to all and sundry, tabloid style.

Transparency is not an excuse to merrily list out others’ ‘mistakes’ in an attempt to look superior.
Honesty is not an excuse for breach of trust.
Integrity is not an excuse for being a thoroughly self righteous and pompous person.

Respectability requires consistency.

For you may think you are a duck, behave like a duck (sometimes), quack like a duck and think you are a duck, but we all know better.