Just.

A recent PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) meeting got us discussing about my elder daughter Germaine’s ‘outspoken personality’. Apparently the teacher was concerned that her tendency to be frank might hurt her friends’ feelings.

Herein lies the delicate balance between honesty and diplomacy.

Do you tell your friend that she has B.O for her own good or do you hold your peace (and your breath) for fear of hurting her feelings?

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do‘?

I have no hard and fast answers but here’s what I tell the kids.

1. Honesty does not mean you can lash out at your friends and expect to get away with it.
2. Diplomacy does not mean telling a lie without blinking.
3. What is the objective and purpose?
4. Can you handle the consequences?

Honesty

It is not rocket science but it might be a lack of emotional quotient that makes some people not realize that ‘honesty’ is not an excuse for a no-holds barred verbal abuse or attack. It is not only what you say, but how you say it. I have met some people who persist in using ‘honesty’ as a shield for their disagreeable and questionable behaviour. It almost gives ‘honesty’ a bad name.

Diplomacy

To borrow from my earlier example:

Would you tell a friend that she has no talent in something she really wants to do, or do you show her support regardless because ‘that is what friends do’?

I don’t believe in blind support or blatant lying through your teeth because ‘that’s what friends do’. In fact, I believe that real friends should be able to tell each other the ugly truth but respecting each other’s feelings is still a matter of common sense. But like I always say, common sense is a commodity that is often not very common.

There is a difference in saying,

“Boy, your work really sucks big time. Forget it.” and,

“I think it still needs some improvement and finetuning. Ever thought of taking up some lessons?”

Basically you can say the same thing in two different ways – one that is endearing and the other, repelling.

Objective and Purpose

In wanting or needing to communicate something unpleasant to a friend, I will question the objective and purpose of doing so. Is it for his or her own good to know? Or is it a need to vent your anger which channels in the form of ‘honesty’? Look inside and answer honestly. Then you will know if you ‘need’ to say something.

Consequences

Finally, are you able to take the consequences despite of your best intentions? Say, if you tell a friend about her B.O problem out of the pure kindness of your heart and she still gets offended despite your best efforts. What then?

I tell the kids, “If you think that you can handle the worst consequences that can happen, and you still feel the need to say something, then most likely you think it is worth your while.”

Two ways about it – either the motivation to help is too strong, or the motivation to kick some ass is too overwhelming.

Either way, whatever the consequences, deal with it. It makes growing up that much more fun.

And whatever you choose to do, don’t whine about it afterwards.

I am not fascinated with grades per se. And no, I am not a negligent mum. I just dislike the idea of grades being all indicative of a child’s understanding and intelligence. Unconventional perhaps, but not that radical.

So far, Germaine has not had any tuition, despite her weak grades in Mathematics. She doesn’t like the idea and prefers being taught by us – conveniently ignoring the fact my blood pressure shoots up every time I have to coach her. And have you seen those Primary Maths questions lately? Still, they are trying to ‘boost primary education‘. Enough already! If this trend continues, all the monetary incentives they throw up cannot convince me to have a third child.

Anyway, my refusal to let grades define my child’s intelligence does not mean that I do not praise her when she does well.

Similarly, when she scores reasonably good marks, I don’t let up on her if I know that she can score better and has started being complacent.

My point is, grades are not a complete indicator of a child’s education. In some cases, some children cannot handle the stress and their nervousness during examinations and end up not doing as well as they could in normal circumstances.

Another reason why I feel that grades should not be all indicative of a child’s intelligence and abilities is also because some children might be late bloomers. If your child could not speak well even to the age of nine, did poorly in school and had a teacher who told you that he ‘could not amount to anything’, would you feel that he is a ‘gone case’?

Well, I would hardly label Albert Einstein as a ‘gone case’.

Not every one of our children may be gifted academically but I believe that every child has his or her own talent. I have known children who have flunked their academic subjects but who are good in the kitchen, sports or arts. And who is to say that these children are failures?

It is our society and our culture that determines academia to be the ultimate success. Don’t be deceived or trapped by the herd mentality. It is people like Bill Gates and Sim Wong Hoo who are laughing their way to the bank.

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I have a story that I would like to share with my readers.

There was once a boy whose nickname is “Dummy”. He was in 5th grade and thought that he was stupid. Although he grew up in a very poor neighborhood in Detroit his mother, who worked as a domestic,  believed that he and his older brother could only succeed through education.  She worked 2, sometimes 3 menial jobs to take care of them.

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Next up: Point #2 on education – stop the mollycoddling and babysitting.