This article was published in Today’s Motherhood March 2009.
As a mother who had killed and then jump-started the resume twice for both my kids, I have the privilege of having experienced both worlds – the seemingly repelling arenas of the stay at home mums (SAHM) and full time working mums (FTWM).
Having a common denominator of motherhood, you would have thought that we would all have grounds for bonding. Instead, an uneasy tension seem to exist between working and stay home mums which inevitably surfaces every now and then during discussions in online and offline conversations.
Why?
Everyone knows that stay home mum who will not hesitate to rub it in every working mum’s face that she virtuously takes care of her child all day and that working mum who flaunts her career and ‘proper use of education‘ to the stay home mum. I am taking the extreme spectrum of negatives here of course, but these differences are very real.
Indeed, which mum will relish the feeling of doubting if she has done enough for her child? Which mum likes to feel that her child is being shortchanged in one way or the other?
Not everyone has that luxury
I once spoke to a stay mum who said,
“If you give birth to them, you have to take care of them yourself.”
I agree with this to an extent but I was still nonplussed by her tunnel vision. Allow me to explain. I took eighteen months off for each of my children to take care of them from the time they were newborns. Why eighteen months? That was the ‘minimum age’ where they get accepted to child care centres. I did understand where she was coming from – I too did not want my ex’s parents, a babysitter or a domestic helper to take care of them then.
However, I did not see it fit to take the higher moral ground because
- Not everyone has the luxury to take eighteen months off to take care of their children.
- Some have good help and support from their family so there is no pressure for them to stop working.
- I personally know children who have been taken care of by their grandparents, a babysitter or a domestic helper and guess what? While there are the usual naughty and spoilt ones, there are also some happy and well adjusted children.
Perhaps she was undiplomatic or tactless. But definitely she’s not the only one. Everywhere I turn, in forums, in conversations, be it the formula versus breastfeeding debate, the working versus stay home mums debate, the attack of the momzillas – I see the “I’m right, you’re wrong” syndrome.
Individual choices
While some mothers may choose to stay at home and take care of their children, others choose to or have to work, and send their children to child care centres for different reasons – be it for the socializing with other children, or the necessity for a dual income household.
While I find it extremely condescending and narrow minded for a working mum to demean the economics of ‘a wasted education’ on the part of the stay home mum (in fact, I find that it is put to good use in the daily nurturing and educating of her child), I also find it extremely condescending and narrow minded for the stay home mum to question the quality time a working mum spends with her child and to proclaim that poor children of working mums suffer from neglect or self esteem problems.
I was working full time for the last 9 years (excluding the 3 years as a SAHM) and what do you know – they turned out to be happy and well behaved children and even my friends who normally do not like children have nothing by praise for them.
Who is to say that the cake baked by the stay home mum automatically scores more points than the cake bought at the store by the working mum who might have rushed to the store from work and then back home to celebrate with her child?
Who is to say that the working mother’s children are a neglected lot?
The last thing any mother needs is to be made to feel guilty or inadequate.
Other Side of the Fence
One major gripe from stay home mums is that some working mums seem to think that it is a ‘taitai’ lifestyle for them – that they not only have the luxury to spend lots of quality time with their children, they also have the freedom to go for high tea, the gym, shopping etc. That might be true for some SAHMs who also have domestic help, but in reality, many are wonder women who take on the role of housekeeper, disciplinarian, teacher, cook and driver, and sometimes more.
SAHMs might envy the FTWMs because the latter seemingly have a glamourous life away from the endless 24/7 drudgery of housework, kids, housework, cooking, housework, kids routine plus the luxury of having a bigger budget for shopping and whathaveyous.
Well, some working mums I know do house chores on top of their daily 8 hours away to work. When I was working full time, I too did the house chores and cooked dinner for the children. And no, I did not have a maid due to my personal preference for privacy. And yes, it was tough with a capital T.
And yes I did that, but I wouldn’t condemn the other working mums who didn’t, or the stay home mums who didn’t have to work.
The fact is, it is never easy for a mum, regardless of whether she works or not. The problem is that some mums seem to have an opinion about how other mothers should be parenting their children, dissing the ‘other village of thought’ or taking an assumed ‘moral high ground’ about how the children of these other mothers will be so deprived or missing out on something etc.
On the other end of the scale, I have known some very questionable mothers in my lifetime and guess what? Their children seem to have grown up just fine. Children are so beautiful that way – we parents can screw up at times but still, they forge forward with their own personality, adventures and explorations.
At the end of the day
- Perhaps the first thing to do is to realize that it is none of your business. That’s right. That’s her child, her family, her parenting methods to bother about, not yours. Similarly, That’s my child, my family, my parenting methods to bother about, not yours. If you are a mother, you have lots on your plate already. I know that myself.
- Understanding versus assumption. It is easy to get all edgy and defensive if you assume that your parenting methods are being questioned or judged. Get to know the difficulties of the other camp to open your hearts in accepting that every family has different circumstances and situations.
- Banish the guilt. No mother should be made to feel guilty. You have the right to work, whether you need to financially or simply want to have a career. If a SAHM tries to tell you what to do, tell her to take a hike with her pram. Similarly, if a FTWM tries to pull a you-have-it-so-easy on you, mention the simple fact that your job is 24/7 and there are no ‘off days’.
- Make your decision.. then stand by it. As long as we know that we are doing the best we can for our family, anyone else’s opinion, diatribe or verbal diarrhoea does not matter.
- Don’t let another mum’s ‘issues’ affect you. That mum might behave in that judgmental and holier than thou manner because she has self esteem or security issues, or because she envies what you have that she doesn’t. To validy her own importance and existence, she feels the need to trample on yours. Don’t stoop to her level. You know better. You will always be the centre of your children’s universe and no one can ever take it away from you, no matter how hard they try.
